Church Growth Tip #4875.40: Labels

Maybe we scare people away from church with the way we label things.

We label church stuff with words that are indecipherable to the man/woman-in-the-street. Like "Children's Church," or "Worship Team," or "Contemporary." Who uses the word contemporary besides the church? We use it to mean, "up to date, fresh, modern, new," but the word stopped meaning that in our culture a long time ago. If you go to a furniture store to buy "contemporary" furniture, you'll probably end up with a 60's, retro, pop couch with tie-die fabric. If you sing a "contemporary" song at church, you will likely end up in the same era.

We also mis-label church stuff. We call it a choir when it's only a sextet. (OK. I see the obvious problem with the word, sextet, but really! We're grownups here! Stop giggling!) Take a look at the Bible Studies offered in your church--how many of them are studying the Bible? (Before you answer, remember that What's So Amazing About Grace by Yancey is not scripture). What about "Sanctuary?"

I say, let's be honest with our labels. Truth in advertising.

• Bible Free-For-All: Come to this group at Molly's house and bring your own opinion about what the Bible says. Don't worry about being right; just see how wacky your own ideas about scripture can really be!
• Committee Spinnings: Forget about committee "meetings." Everyone knows you just spin your wheels in a committee.
• All-Church Junk Room: Be honest: It's not the Janitor's Closet anymore, is it? The janitor's moved on down the hall, crowded out of his space by the accumulation of VBS decorations and Sunday School curriculae that no one will throw in the trash. Aren't you supposed to burn Gospel Light quarterlies in a ceremony at dusk?
• Perpetual Attender Parking: Clarence has been calling himself a visitor for the past 68 months to get the prime spot next to the door, but "Visitor Parking" is really the alley behind the parsonage, the only space left after all the holy folks have arrived.

What would you like to re-label at your church?

Funding Church Growth

I've found a solution to all your budget woes, and it's been sitting in your pews, right under your pastoral noses, for some time.

My financial revelation is not original with me. It's come handed down from the sisters at Mount St. Francis parish and retirement complex in northwest Colorado Springs, Colorado. According to this article in the Houston Chronicle, the sisters take donations and, in return, offer their prayers.

What makes the prayers of the nuns worth some cash? They are professionals. They've surrendered marriage, wealth, freedom, and all sorts of wonderful earthly delights to devote themselves to prayer. So they'll do it for you, giving you a priority placement on their prayer lists, for a price.

And to think we evangelicals have been giving this stuff away for free!

Every church has a few potential sources for income here. We call them "prayer warriors." They are usually the little old ladies who have, like the nuns, forsaken all other whims in life for the duty of prayer. As a pastor, you count on them. You call them up when you have urgent issues. You may even rely on them to intercede in a case of sloppy sermon preparation or to cover your hinney when you're in a good old-fashioned church brawl. But they do this for you, and for many other people, entirely without cost or obligation. Prayer warriors are generally good people who have good hearts. But they have become victims of a greedy, parasitic ecclesiastical system which expects to pay nothing for intercession.

It's time to reconsider the policy of freebie prayers.

Imagine the boon to your budget here: Round up all the warriors and sit them down. Prepare a chart ahead of time that will list the degrees of prayer interventions that will be available. Assign the prayer team to designated business hours. Set your church secretary up as the phone hub for all prayer requests so each request can be accounted and billed. And then send the invoices flying!

Here are some suggestions for your fee structure.

1. Charge by the request, not by the hour.
2. Base the fee on a scale of urgency: the more urgent the need, the higher the price.
3. Double the charges on the following: confidential requests, felony forgivenesses, and the ever-popular "unspoken request."
4. Offer a "pray-without-ceasing" special that guarantees one prayer each hour for 48 hours. Charge a bundle for this.

If you implement this revenue enhancement in your church, please let me know of your success. And remember, I serve you here on a freewill offering basis, so I expect a cut.

The Great Pastoral Search: American Idol meets Miss America

American Idol, Survivor, Deal or No Deal, Miss America--They've got nothing on the church.

For years the evangelical ecclesiastitions in the U.S. have enjoyed their own peculiar version of reality competition: The Pastoral Search.

A church throws out the bait: they're seeking a pastor. Word gets around and lots of ministerial types suddenly feel God has called them to apply. (You'd think that God could get it right and just apply the call to THE ONE). Much confusion ensues.

The pastor-less church now must somehow filter through all these candidates--better yet: contestants--to see which ones make the cut. Finally, and with much prayer and powerful political manipulation, THE ONE rises to the top. He or she is invited to come and put on a show, normally called a candidating weekend.

Some churches hold a cattle call: After a few culls for doctrinal idiosyncrasies, they parade each candidate into the church over several weekends, then pick a couple of favorites for the showdown.

All of this is eerily close to the competitions on TV. Like Survivor, each candidate is exposed to challenges--the doctrinal interview, the preaching trial, the denominational torture chamber. Like a beauty pageant, each candidate struts their stuff, revealing their very best plumage in the hopes that their faults and failures will be cleverly disguised by the brilliant display of ministerial aplomb, not to mention the amazing chalk art. Like American Idol, a panel of judges--elders, deacons, search committee, etc.--offer their critique. Like Deal or No Deal, some elder or deacon or church board representative eventually makes an offer, but not all of the details are revealed to the candidate until about a year into the ministry.

I say, Hey! Let's just take it all the way!

PASTORMANIA!

Get 'em all together in the sanctuary. With their wives. Announce the participants with a lot of drama--smoke and pyrotechnics and loud praise music from the worship team. Then let them fight it out on the platform. The last pastoral couple standing gets the job.

At minimal pay, with a run-down parsonage, and no health insurance.

New Growth Secret

From time to time I'll be sharing tips I've learned through my years in the church. Today's gem remained hidden for millennia, but I've uncovered a bit of truth that could make your church grow. I've discovered the secret of "THE."

How many times have you heard a preacher say, "The Bible includes 4,672 references to money!" Typically after those words are uttered, a little pressure is put on your pocket book, the theory being that if the Bible mentions a word many times it must have some great importance, especially in regards to the debt structure of the given local church.

I have also heard the same theory applied to words like heaven, hell, love, God, Jesus. The fact that these words are used a lot apparently lifts them to importance.

Carrying the theory to its logical end, I believe churches have completely missed the important things of Scripture, choosing instead to focus on love, God, Jesus, and salvation. Those may be important, but not nearly as important as THE.

Since clearly the number of times a word is used causes it to be meaningful, one of the most meaningful concepts in the Bible is THE. Let me explain how very important this word is, and why our churches would grow if we took it more seriously.

• THE is used 24,127 times in the King James Version.
• THE is the definite article; de-finite. We often speak of humans as being finite, and God being in-finite, but we never explore the dimensions of de-finiteness. We definitely need to study this.
• THE is the only definite article in English. It stands alone. There is none other like it. In this way, THE represents God.
• Notice, too, that THE has three letters. T stands for the first letter in theos, the Greek word for God. H stands for the Holy Ghost. E stands for Eternal Son. Thus, the truth of the Trinity abides in the THE.
• God designed to have THE placed on every page of the Bible, often more than once. Something that shows up on every page must have the same significance as a word that is used many times.
• THE is used in the title of God's book. We don't say, "This is supported in Bible." We say, "This is supported in THE Bible." We don't say, "You can look this up in Bible." We say, "You can look this up in THE Bible." We don't sing "B.I.B.L.E." We sing "THE B.I.B.L.E. Yes, that's THE book for me!"

How, you may say, is this important for church growth?

1. It proves my validity as a Bible scholar and expert on spiritual things. You can trust my consulting because I have discovered this secret, hidden from the church for over 2000 years. Obviously, I've got an inside edge.
2. If we focused on what's truly important to God, as evidenced by the repetition of the THE in the Bible, we would fall more in line with God's will, and when we're doing his will, our churches will grow to enormous proportions.
3. Because I'm the consultant and you're not.

Please post your comments that agree and support my newly discovered secret for church growth. If you can't support it, "let no unwholesome word come from your mouth." In other words, keep your trap shut.

Church Candy: For boring sermons and other church illnesses.

According to Yahoo news service and AFP, a Buddhist abbot has donated the money to purchase 140,000 packs of extremely sour candy. The treats are designed for Thai drivers to suck on in order to keep them awake after week-long New Year’s celebrations. The church needs candy like this.

The always faithful ushers could pass out pieces of the stuff with the bulletins on particularly warm days, and especially when the pastor’s had a rough week. The pucker-powered lip smacking may be a distraction, but so is snoring, so it all evens out. Call it: Morning, Sunshine!

And why stop at one kind of candy? Let’s offer a plethora of sweets and not-so-sweets—a candy store of options for purchase in the Foyer. Proceeds to benefit the Pastor’s Bahamavention.

GALL: A bitter candy that leaves a wicked aftertaste for days. For the eight week series on Lamentations.

J. the B. Wilderness Roll-Ups: Leather candy made with honey and locust parts for the John the Baptist character study. Pretty much everything you’d need in a pack of twenty to stay alive in the desert for around forty days.

The Lord’s Sucker: Communion Candy on a Stick—crunchy unleavened cookie on the outside, with a chewy grape-flavored center. Fewer crumbs. No spillage.

ChurchUnity: Dark chocolate candy bars laced with a mild sedative. Pass these out right before the annual business meeting.

Turkish Delight: To be given in limited quantities as a bribe, only to those who are “tithers-of-record” at a 20% level.

Oh, Glory! The high glucose content gives a buzz that can be interpreted as a Pentecostal rush.

Can you think of some church candy?