New Growth Secret

From time to time I'll be sharing tips I've learned through my years in the church. Today's gem remained hidden for millennia, but I've uncovered a bit of truth that could make your church grow. I've discovered the secret of "THE."

How many times have you heard a preacher say, "The Bible includes 4,672 references to money!" Typically after those words are uttered, a little pressure is put on your pocket book, the theory being that if the Bible mentions a word many times it must have some great importance, especially in regards to the debt structure of the given local church.

I have also heard the same theory applied to words like heaven, hell, love, God, Jesus. The fact that these words are used a lot apparently lifts them to importance.

Carrying the theory to its logical end, I believe churches have completely missed the important things of Scripture, choosing instead to focus on love, God, Jesus, and salvation. Those may be important, but not nearly as important as THE.

Since clearly the number of times a word is used causes it to be meaningful, one of the most meaningful concepts in the Bible is THE. Let me explain how very important this word is, and why our churches would grow if we took it more seriously.

• THE is used 24,127 times in the King James Version.
• THE is the definite article; de-finite. We often speak of humans as being finite, and God being in-finite, but we never explore the dimensions of de-finiteness. We definitely need to study this.
• THE is the only definite article in English. It stands alone. There is none other like it. In this way, THE represents God.
• Notice, too, that THE has three letters. T stands for the first letter in theos, the Greek word for God. H stands for the Holy Ghost. E stands for Eternal Son. Thus, the truth of the Trinity abides in the THE.
• God designed to have THE placed on every page of the Bible, often more than once. Something that shows up on every page must have the same significance as a word that is used many times.
• THE is used in the title of God's book. We don't say, "This is supported in Bible." We say, "This is supported in THE Bible." We don't say, "You can look this up in Bible." We say, "You can look this up in THE Bible." We don't sing "B.I.B.L.E." We sing "THE B.I.B.L.E. Yes, that's THE book for me!"

How, you may say, is this important for church growth?

1. It proves my validity as a Bible scholar and expert on spiritual things. You can trust my consulting because I have discovered this secret, hidden from the church for over 2000 years. Obviously, I've got an inside edge.
2. If we focused on what's truly important to God, as evidenced by the repetition of the THE in the Bible, we would fall more in line with God's will, and when we're doing his will, our churches will grow to enormous proportions.
3. Because I'm the consultant and you're not.

Please post your comments that agree and support my newly discovered secret for church growth. If you can't support it, "let no unwholesome word come from your mouth." In other words, keep your trap shut.

Church Candy: For boring sermons and other church illnesses.

According to Yahoo news service and AFP, a Buddhist abbot has donated the money to purchase 140,000 packs of extremely sour candy. The treats are designed for Thai drivers to suck on in order to keep them awake after week-long New Year’s celebrations. The church needs candy like this.

The always faithful ushers could pass out pieces of the stuff with the bulletins on particularly warm days, and especially when the pastor’s had a rough week. The pucker-powered lip smacking may be a distraction, but so is snoring, so it all evens out. Call it: Morning, Sunshine!

And why stop at one kind of candy? Let’s offer a plethora of sweets and not-so-sweets—a candy store of options for purchase in the Foyer. Proceeds to benefit the Pastor’s Bahamavention.

GALL: A bitter candy that leaves a wicked aftertaste for days. For the eight week series on Lamentations.

J. the B. Wilderness Roll-Ups: Leather candy made with honey and locust parts for the John the Baptist character study. Pretty much everything you’d need in a pack of twenty to stay alive in the desert for around forty days.

The Lord’s Sucker: Communion Candy on a Stick—crunchy unleavened cookie on the outside, with a chewy grape-flavored center. Fewer crumbs. No spillage.

ChurchUnity: Dark chocolate candy bars laced with a mild sedative. Pass these out right before the annual business meeting.

Turkish Delight: To be given in limited quantities as a bribe, only to those who are “tithers-of-record” at a 20% level.

Oh, Glory! The high glucose content gives a buzz that can be interpreted as a Pentecostal rush.

Can you think of some church candy?