Welcome

My name is Herman Hecklesteen and I'm a church consultant.I charge $350 an hour, and I'm pretty good, so it's well worth the money. If your 2007 budget doesn't allow for consulting fees, take it out of the benevolent fund. Nobody will know the difference.

I've never been actually hired by a church. Nobody has ever taken any of my advice. But it's all rock solid. No, it's never been tried anywhere, but that's what they said about portable baptistries at first--and look how many of them are around. Just think "new wineskins."

I have clever ideas all the time for church growth and health. Since I don't get hired nearly often enough by churches who are willing to take my advice, or even ones that are unwilling to take my advice, I've decided to offer my wisdom here, on a freewill donation basis.

I'd be interested in your ideas, too. So keep it reasonably clean and tell me what you think could work for the church. Remember, there are no stupid ideas--only really dumb ones.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Church Candy: For boring sermons and other church illnesses.


According to Yahoo news service and AFP, a Buddhist abbot has donated the money to purchase 140,000 packs of extremely sour candy. The treats are designed for Thai drivers to suck on in order to keep them awake after week-long New Year’s celebrations. The church needs candy like this.


The always faithful ushers could pass out pieces of the stuff with the bulletins on particularly warm days, and especially when the pastor’s had a rough week. The pucker-powered lip smacking may be a distraction, but so is snoring, so it all evens out. Call it: Morning, Sunshine!


And why stop at one kind of candy? Let’s offer a plethora of sweets and not-so-sweets—a candy store of options for purchase in the Foyer. Proceeds to benefit the Pastor’s Bahamavention.

GALL: A bitter candy that leaves a wicked aftertaste for days. For the eight week series on Lamentations.

J. the B. Wilderness Roll-Ups: Leather candy made with honey and locust parts for the John the Baptist character study. Pretty much everything you’d need in a pack of twenty to stay alive in the desert for around forty days.

The Lord’s Sucker: Communion Candy on a Stick—crunchy unleavened cookie on the outside, with a chewy grape-flavored center. Fewer crumbs. No spillage.

ChurchUnity: Dark chocolate candy bars laced with a mild sedative. Pass these out right before the annual business meeting.

Turkish Delight: To be given in limited quantities as a bribe, only to those who are “tithers-of-record” at a 20% level.

Oh, Glory! The high glucose content gives a buzz that can be interpreted as a Pentecostal rush.

Can you think of some church candy?

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