Welcome

My name is Herman Hecklesteen and I'm a church consultant.I charge $350 an hour, and I'm pretty good, so it's well worth the money. If your 2007 budget doesn't allow for consulting fees, take it out of the benevolent fund. Nobody will know the difference.

I've never been actually hired by a church. Nobody has ever taken any of my advice. But it's all rock solid. No, it's never been tried anywhere, but that's what they said about portable baptistries at first--and look how many of them are around. Just think "new wineskins."

I have clever ideas all the time for church growth and health. Since I don't get hired nearly often enough by churches who are willing to take my advice, or even ones that are unwilling to take my advice, I've decided to offer my wisdom here, on a freewill donation basis.

I'd be interested in your ideas, too. So keep it reasonably clean and tell me what you think could work for the church. Remember, there are no stupid ideas--only really dumb ones.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

The Great Pastoral Search: American Idol meets Miss America

American Idol, Survivor, Deal or No Deal, Miss America--They've got nothing on the church.

For years the evangelical ecclesiastitions in the U.S. have enjoyed their own peculiar version of reality competition: The Pastoral Search.

A church throws out the bait: they're seeking a pastor. Word gets around and lots of ministerial types suddenly feel God has called them to apply. (You'd think that God could get it right and just apply the call to THE ONE). Much confusion ensues.

The pastor-less church now must somehow filter through all these candidates--better yet: contestants--to see which ones make the cut. Finally, and with much prayer and powerful political manipulation, THE ONE rises to the top. He or she is invited to come and put on a show, normally called a candidating weekend.

Some churches hold a cattle call: After a few culls for doctrinal idiosyncrasies, they parade each candidate into the church over several weekends, then pick a couple of favorites for the showdown.

All of this is eerily close to the competitions on TV. Like Survivor, each candidate is exposed to challenges--the doctrinal interview, the preaching trial, the denominational torture chamber. Like a beauty pageant, each candidate struts their stuff, revealing their very best plumage in the hopes that their faults and failures will be cleverly disguised by the brilliant display of ministerial aplomb, not to mention the amazing chalk art. Like American Idol, a panel of judges--elders, deacons, search committee, etc.--offer their critique. Like Deal or No Deal, some elder or deacon or church board representative eventually makes an offer, but not all of the details are revealed to the candidate until about a year into the ministry.

I say, Hey! Let's just take it all the way!

PASTORMANIA!

Get 'em all together in the sanctuary. With their wives. Announce the participants with a lot of drama--smoke and pyrotechnics and loud praise music from the worship team. Then let them fight it out on the platform. The last pastoral couple standing gets the job.

At minimal pay, with a run-down parsonage, and no health insurance.
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